Six Days Before The End

Lately, I've been in a funk.  Weepy, sad, lethargic and more.  Like my life has come to a halt.  Worse. Like it's regressing, going backwards, into the muck, mire, abyss.  Ever feel like that?


Can't help thinking it has something to do with Suzy's anniversary death-date.  Last year, at this time, she was withering away, being carried out in a sling to do her business 3 times a day and sleeping a lot.  Yet, she still looked beautiful.  Her reddish silky coat looked a bit thinner but none the worse for wear.  The color still radiant, the white still bright, her ears tipped symmetrically, her smile wide and honest.  For, she was a magnificent creature through-and-through.  From the day she was born 'til the day she died.

 In fact, I daresay I haven't met anyone or any animal as inately gorgeous as Suzy.  From her black button nose to the tip of her tri-colored, bushy tail, she was perfection with  personality to match,  Delightful, winsome, charming, wise.  Super intelligent and kind-hearted to the core.  Ever protective, always alert.  My closest companion, dearest darling, faithful friend.  To the end.                        And, beyond. . .

A Year and Ten Days

A year and ten days ago, my love was with me.  We were still "us."  A team.  Best friends.  Lovers. How time flies.  Doesn't seem that long ago that Suzy was always by my side.  How difficult those last days were.  Seeing her decline day-after-day, almost minute-by-minute.  Shrinking.  Having more trouble walking yet bravely enduring the "saddle sling" in which I lifted her in and out of the house.  It was hard.  On both of us.


Yet we persevered.  We knew our time was quickly slipping away.  The grim reaper loomed large and unrelating right outside our door.  As Suzy declined so did my spirits.  When she died so did part of me.


I worried how "the end" would finally arrive.  Would I have to put her down to stop her suffering, this magnificent creature who had been with me, through thick and thin, for the past 13 years?  She came to me at 13 months, the divison of a couple who was divorcing and gave her back to the breeder.  She was then advertised through the sheltie rescue team, with the breeder having final say of who "adopted" Suzy.


Of the many people who applied, I was chosen.  Mrs. Heck saw something in me that she wanted for Suzy.  Some connection that transcended simple care and kindness.  Something that told her I would be the best place for Suzy to share her life. 


We traveled to Vermont twice.  Tooled around country inns, town greens, Bingo parlors, tag sales and potluck suppers.  We hiked up Mt. Tom, wandered down winding roads and drove all around the Green Mountains.  We met so many friendly folks who welcomed us into their hearts and homes.  Suzy was a natural at making friends and paved the way for us to meet many wonderful folks along the way.


She helped me grow in so many ways:  emotionally, spiritually, profoundly. And I'd like to think I made her life happier, too.  From the hundreds of photos I took of  those laughing eyes, smiling lips, radiant energy, it appears so. 


A friend.  A mentor. A confidante. My second skin. Intimate shadow. Saint. Sprite. Light. My darling.  My true love.  How time has passed yet stood still since you left my life. 


But never my heart.

My Darling Suzy

The Days Before Our Final Farewell

It's the birthday of the man who wrote the famous words "Tis better to have loved and lost / Than never to have loved at all" and also "Theirs not to reason why, / Theirs but to do and die." That's poet Alfred, Lord Tennyson, (books by this author) born on this day in Lincolnshire, England (1809).

Yes, it's better to have loved and lost but then you live

with heart break forever after

the object of your affection leaves you.  Love has a price.

Stunning, even days before her final farewell.

Suzy and me.  Together forever.

Seems Like Only Yesterday

Suzy was my life, and I, hers.

Inseparable for nearly 14 years

Seems like only yesterday

We strolled the streets,

Cuddled on the couch,

Shared everything possible--and then some.

Traveled the world and felt safe.

Never lonely,

Such good company,

Always present,

Happy.

Healthy,

Sane.

'Twas less than a year ago,

Her clock was running out,

And every tick that passed

Took life from me, too.

Yet, time knows no bounds

On love everlasting.

A Year Ago Today

Suzy looked great even though she was dying and had less than a month to live.  I tried, in vain, taking her to an accupuncturist, a masseuse, various vets, and administering lots of other home remedies.  It was her time to go.  Not mine, I mean I was definitely not ready to let her go.  Not ready to say goodbye to my dearest companion, my closest friend.  The freshest face, loyalist pal and kindest heart I have ever known.   My darling.  My Suzy.

Through Love

Through love bitter things seem sweet.

Through love scraps of copper are turned to gold.

Through love dregs taste like clear wine.

Through love agonies are healing balms.

Through love thorns become roses.

Through love vinegar becomes rich wine.

Through love the scaffold becomes a throne.

Through love disaster becomes good fortune.

Through love a prison becomes a rose garden.

Through love burning fire is a fragrant light.

Through love the devil becomes an angel.

Through love stones become soft as butter.

Through love grief is like delight.

Through love demons become servants of God.

Through love stings are like honey.

Through love lions are harmless as mice.

Through love sickness is health.

Through love the dead are resurrected.

Through love the emperor becomes a slave.

- Jalal-ud-Din Rumi

The Long Goodbye

A year ago, today, my beloved was dying.  Day-by-heartbreaking-day, I witnessed Suzy growing thinner and less capable of walking.  I wrapped a saddle sling around her loins and lifted her in-and-out of the house, at least three times a day, to go potty, get some fresh air, relieve the stagnant breath of stale air that encircled us like a halo of death.

An excruciating time.  I clung to her for dear life, praying, against all odds, that she would bounce back.  From what?  Old age and death?  No one has, and no one ever will.  Still, I prayed.  And hoped.  And cried. And bargained with God that I'd do anything if He'd let my darling live.  I needed her so much!  I couldn't bear to let her go!

Our last month together.  She looked so beautiful right up until the very end.  A stunning dog, a stellar friend, loyal and loving 'til the end.

And beyond. . . .