The Night Before The End

In the hallway we lay

Side by side

Knowing each second

Was in line to be the last goodbye.

All night long we understood,

It would be our final farewell.

We huddled in the dark

And promised to tell

The story of our union,

The depth of our love,

The happy times and trying times

And inseperable bond we felt.

Although immobile

Her highness shone bright

A shining star, a meteor

A galaxy of beauty all right.

Even at death's door,

Her coat still thick and bright.

Her sweet face still youthful

Her spirit forever a sprite.

I can't let you go!

I held on tight

But her heavy sighs

Told me it was time all right.

This would be our last night together

After so many years.

All I could do was hold her

Dissolved in a flood of tears.

She told me to, "Buck up,

Hold on to the love we shared,

For, I will always be with you

In time immemorial, I'll care.

In the shadows of night

Or the silhouettes of day

I'll watch over you even tho' I'm gone

But never far away."

Winding Down the Darkest Path

A year ago, today, I knew the end was near.  Suzy could hardly walk and slept most of the time.  Although I helped, no, lifted her in and out of the house in her Royal Blue saddle sling, it took more effort on each of our parts than we had continual strength to bear.  We were both caving.


Suzy, physically.  Me, emotionally.  Darkness was looming at our door, and we both knew it.  Although we didn't know for sure the exact day it would occur, we knew it would be soon.  And, even though I took her to an accupuncturist, a masseuse, a water therapist and two other vets, nothing worked, anymore.  Her vital organs were shutting down. She was almost 14 years old times 7 or 98 in people years. 


How fast the time flew by.  Guess it always does when you're having fun, and I had nothing but good times whenever I was with Suzy.  Her lightness of being transfused any down or uncertain moods I might've had; her gaity, freshness and effervescent outlook on life constantly recharged my spirits.  Any sad memories of my divorce, loss of friends, family or other heart-aches were transformed by her halo of happiness.  For, Suzy could lift me out of the dolldrums faster and better than anyone in the world.


She was my fountain of youth, my shining star, my harbor of hope, my sweet elixir of delight each and every moment we were together.  She gave me strength when I felt weary, made me feel safe and protected at evey turn.  She bolstered my courage and made me feel like I mattered.  We were a team, a tandem of togetherness bar-none.


As the hours slipped away and the days grew shorter, I agonized over life without Suzy and felt bereft way before the final hours.  For, I knew her absence would be felt by every fiber of my being, and a big part of me didn't want to go on without her.  Yet, I knew I had to, that she would want me to, not only go on living, but be happy.  For she taught me that, in the end, only love is important.  Only that magic we come into the world knowing and, if we're lucky, leave feeling.


Held, cherished and embraced by and from Suzy, I will carry that feeling with me for as long as I live.  My finest teacher, Suzy taught me life-lessons that couldn't be learned from books.  Only through her sterling examples of trust, frienship and honesty did I come to respect the honor that was hers and recognize the beliefs and hope that she instilled in me. 


Two days before our final farewell, I was dying and she was living and, true to form, telling me, in her own way, to release her.  Even in her darkest hours she was able to illuminate  my path of struggles to let her go.  She taught me the meaning of life and, in the end, the meaning of death.  And, above all, the meaning of love. 

Love is a Two-Way Street

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

I don't know who said this, but I agree wholeheartedly.  At least that was how it was for me and Suzy.  Her love boosted my spirits and confidence, my serenity and sense of "place" in the world.  She was everything to me and more.

Loving her gave me courage to do more things, get out and meet more people, travel, not be afraid to explore new pathways in life.  Her love bolstered my very sense of identity, it made me believe in myself more, my decisions and choices.  Suzy's love was everything to me and, without it, I feel empty and lost.

Nothing can replace her.  The bond we had was unlike any other.  Strong, resilient, forgiving, loyal.  Suzy taught me the meaning of these and other qualities.  She taught me to be a better person all the way around.  She taught me about true friendship, which is hard to find, and loyalty which is even harder to find.  In friends, family, people, places.  Suzy's intelligence surpassed any animal I've ever known or known since.  Her dedication to our home, family, and friendship unyielding and honest to the core.

One in a million.  It was my honor and privilege to have known her.  I shall never forget her.  I shall always believe in the power of our love, the strength of our union and the courage I gained from knowing her for almost 14 years.  Her gifts are indelible, her love cherished in my heart for eternity.

When I'm With You. . .

Some roads are rough and rocky

Some very narrow to get through

Traveling by roads,skies and seas

It always leads back to you

You are my beacon light

That shines through every storm

You are there by the fire

That keeps our house a home

You walk with me each day

Through happiness and pain

You are my sheltering umbrella

Whenever there is rain

No matter where I travel

Where ever in the world I roam

I have the inner knowledge

That I will never lose my way

Because all roads lead back to you

And the place we call our HOME...

The Long Way Home

My heart's in a fog

On the journey we've taken

Almost a year

Since I saw your precious face.

Darkness envelopes my soul

As you lie enshrouded

Both alone

Yet together.

I'll always remember

Happier Days

When your silky fur

Soothed my weary soul.

Your dancing eyes

Watched o'er me

Ever the Mama

Always the friend.

You and I forever together

'Til the end.

Six Days Before The End

Lately, I've been in a funk.  Weepy, sad, lethargic and more.  Like my life has come to a halt.  Worse. Like it's regressing, going backwards, into the muck, mire, abyss.  Ever feel like that?


Can't help thinking it has something to do with Suzy's anniversary death-date.  Last year, at this time, she was withering away, being carried out in a sling to do her business 3 times a day and sleeping a lot.  Yet, she still looked beautiful.  Her reddish silky coat looked a bit thinner but none the worse for wear.  The color still radiant, the white still bright, her ears tipped symmetrically, her smile wide and honest.  For, she was a magnificent creature through-and-through.  From the day she was born 'til the day she died.

 In fact, I daresay I haven't met anyone or any animal as inately gorgeous as Suzy.  From her black button nose to the tip of her tri-colored, bushy tail, she was perfection with  personality to match,  Delightful, winsome, charming, wise.  Super intelligent and kind-hearted to the core.  Ever protective, always alert.  My closest companion, dearest darling, faithful friend.  To the end.                        And, beyond. . .

A Year and Ten Days

A year and ten days ago, my love was with me.  We were still "us."  A team.  Best friends.  Lovers. How time flies.  Doesn't seem that long ago that Suzy was always by my side.  How difficult those last days were.  Seeing her decline day-after-day, almost minute-by-minute.  Shrinking.  Having more trouble walking yet bravely enduring the "saddle sling" in which I lifted her in and out of the house.  It was hard.  On both of us.


Yet we persevered.  We knew our time was quickly slipping away.  The grim reaper loomed large and unrelating right outside our door.  As Suzy declined so did my spirits.  When she died so did part of me.


I worried how "the end" would finally arrive.  Would I have to put her down to stop her suffering, this magnificent creature who had been with me, through thick and thin, for the past 13 years?  She came to me at 13 months, the divison of a couple who was divorcing and gave her back to the breeder.  She was then advertised through the sheltie rescue team, with the breeder having final say of who "adopted" Suzy.


Of the many people who applied, I was chosen.  Mrs. Heck saw something in me that she wanted for Suzy.  Some connection that transcended simple care and kindness.  Something that told her I would be the best place for Suzy to share her life. 


We traveled to Vermont twice.  Tooled around country inns, town greens, Bingo parlors, tag sales and potluck suppers.  We hiked up Mt. Tom, wandered down winding roads and drove all around the Green Mountains.  We met so many friendly folks who welcomed us into their hearts and homes.  Suzy was a natural at making friends and paved the way for us to meet many wonderful folks along the way.


She helped me grow in so many ways:  emotionally, spiritually, profoundly. And I'd like to think I made her life happier, too.  From the hundreds of photos I took of  those laughing eyes, smiling lips, radiant energy, it appears so. 


A friend.  A mentor. A confidante. My second skin. Intimate shadow. Saint. Sprite. Light. My darling.  My true love.  How time has passed yet stood still since you left my life. 


But never my heart.

My Darling Suzy