Feelin' Blue

There's an old Swedish proverb that goes like this:

"A grief shared is half a grief."

I like that, as I have no one to share my deep feelings, about Suzy with, except all of you.  Whoever you are, wherever you are.  It's comforting just imagining someone "out there" and nodding or tearing up or looking forward to the next installment.  So I thank you for your interest.

Today was hard.  I woke up and decided to make a Smilebox musical medley of the last 3 weeks with Suzy.  It's done, and I'll soon include the link in my blog so you can all see it, but it was really hard.  I cried through most of it and cry every time I watch it, which is often, as it's great to see Suzy.  Over and over, again.  I miss her sweet smile and soft fur more than words can say.


Then I went to an afternoon party but wasn't really in a party mood.  Sat outside on a deck and schmoozed with a bunch of strangers.  All the while thinking about Suzy.  She's constantly on my mind and in my thoughts.  I see her face wherever I go.  And I enjoyed making the Smilebox show, because she is in so many of the frames. 


Came back home after the party but wasn't in the mood for dinner so skipped it and went upstairs to work on my blog some more.  Sharing my grief is good and writing about it, even more helpful.  But all the talking and all the writing won't erase the hole I feel inside.  Some days are better than others, and today has been one of the harder ones.


Maybe tomorrow will be better.

As Time Goes By

There's a great old song that goes:

Time after time

I tell myself that I'm

So lucky to be loving you.

So lucky to be

The one you run to see

In the evening, when the day is through.

I only know what I know

The passing years will show

You've kept my love so young, so new.

And time after time

You'll hear me say that I'm

So lucky to be loving you.

It's the theme song of the new film, Julia and Julie, and has been sung by Barry Manilow, The Temptations and many other crooners.  As I listened to it, I kept thinking about Suzy.  How she'd run to me, whenever I came in from outside, or even into a room.  How that head would spring up, those adorable tipped ears cock to one side and that beautiful mouth smile from ear-to-ear.  How she greeted me!


How she anticipated my every move, feeling and intention.  How she KNEW.  And, isn't is wonderful to have someone, on this Earth, really know you intimately, thoroughly, and still love you completely?  My goodness what a gift!  I never took it for granted and always greeted my darling with the same eager anticipation, affection and tenderness whenever we were together. 


Everyone has an ideal mate in mind.  Someone who will embrace them for who they are--whenever, wherever--and, most importantly, forever.  We all long to be loved deeply and unconditionally.  It's the human ache of the human condition.  And don't our pups fill the bill for that crucial part of our Selves? And do it with such selflessness, friendliness and dignity?  If Pulitzer Prizes could be awarded to animals, I'd vote that the whole canine species receive one every year!


So Suzy, my angel, know that I hereby award you the highest honor, for giving me 14 joyful years of companionship, loyalty, trust and devotion in all circumstances, at all times, in all ways.  Your shining star will forever beam brightly in my heart.

Coming Up for Air

One can actively mourn for just so long.  For the past 6 weeks I've been deluged with grief.  First, by Suzy's collapse, on July 24th, and inability to walk on her own.  Then, from taking her to many doctors hoping, searching, praying, pleading with God, for some pill, procedure or prestodigitation that would zap her back to health.  No such luck.


On August 18th the light went out of Suzy's eyes.  Forever.  She told me she could no longer live.  She'd stopped eating and drinking days before.  Now, it was up to me. To understand her pleas and let her go.  I finally did and haven't been the same since.  For she was my light and love.  My shining star.  My all.


Since that day I've thought of little else.  Wandered the house like the hungry ghost I was.  Reminiscing, over and over again, about our life and times together. And crying.  Lots of tears for lots of happy years.


Which is worse:  not having a good relationship and feeling lonely or having a fantastic relationship with a wonderful pup (or person) then losing it forever and feeling like this?  As Shakespeare said:  'tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  Amen. 

Fall is in the Air

September, already.  Time is flying by.  I miss Suzy. Look out at her grave every day. Put a little white fence by it, as a marker, hung her collar over a picket.  Looks classy, like Suzy.


In the scheme of things, all we have are the moments we're alive. Breathing in and breathing out.  Each breath gives us another precious opportunity at living.  How shall we spend them?  Being helpful and kind or hateful and mean?  Giving and grateful? Or self-centered and withholding? 


Suzy taught me that love is the answer to a meaningful life.Day-by-day. Moment-byprecious-moment.  One of my teachers, Thich Nhat Hanh, is in the hospital.  He has a lung infection and is 79. He wrote a letter to his Sangha saying that he is still with them. In their thoughts, their memories, and will always be.  We are all connected.  We are all part of a greater good.  Our spirits remain alive and well even after we die.  So it is with Suzy.


She is with me every waking second.  I see her darling face every moment, feel her presence near. Her love is abundant and forever, and I smile at the thought of our bond.  Not gone, just away, for now.  If there is an afterlife I know we'll be reunited.  We will forever be connected through the spirit of our love.  Energy doesn't fade away--ever.  It's transposed after death to another form, but it still exists.  I feel Suzy's energy constantly.  See her in my mind and heart.  Feel her devotion.  Savor her love.

Suzy's Spirit

Suzy had a spirit unlike any other.  From the moment we met, her whole persona said, "love." 


Sparkling eyes that greeted me with a smile, the thickest, shiniest coat you've ever seen, so rich and soft that the mere touch calmed my nerves and told me everything would be all right.  And, it was.


A forward-moving personality.  Quick to protect, bark if there was any hint of trouble or questionable behavior--from anyone or anything.  Animal, mineral, vegetable--or human.  Keen eyesight, hearing and smell, (until a few months ago, in old age.) Very responsive intellect.  I've often said Suzy was smarter than most folks.  Not a criticism about other people, rather, a comment on her exceptional sense of right and wrong, common sense and perception. 


Suzy could assess a situation with razor-sharp accuracy and know, instantly, if we were among friends or foes, entering a danger zone or safe in our environment at the time.  She was my barometer and my shrink, my confidante and my guide, my teacher and my spiritual advisor, my crescent moon and my shining star.  In sunshine and storms, good times and bad, she forever brought a rainbow to my heart.

Dreaming of Suzy

Almost two weeks since I last saw Suzy.  Held her in my arms.  Kissed her sweet face and told her I loved her. 


Her simple existence gave my life meaning and purpose, unconditional love, abundant happiness.  These, in turn, helped me feel good about myself, have more confidence, and feel less alone in the world. Now, I am.


Suzy was more of everything to me.  More than just a dog.  More loving than anyone else in my life, more loyal,, more honest, more consistent, more dependable, more affectionate, more protective, more irresistable, more devoted, more companionable, more beautiful, more reliable, more trustworthy, more unselfish, more comical, more intelligent. 

I still look around for that darling face, that full and shiny coat, that enthusiatic bark, that uplifting personality and that reliable partner.  And I can't find her. Or myself.  We're both missing.  Today the sun is shining but not in my heart.  I miss that pup more than words can say.  I know this sounds rather repetitive and I apologize, dear reader, but I can't help it.  My heart is broken, and I can think of little else than Suzy.  Please understand.


Have you ever lost a furry friend?  How did you feel?  How long did it take until you felt yourself, again?  I feel part of my Self has died.  I can't imagine life without Suzy.  She was my reason d'etre, my guiding light, my deepest love.  I may not see her in the foyer, but I shall forever see her in my dreams.