In The Quiet

In the quiet of the night,
I hear the music of crickets.
I feel the warm fur of
Sweetie Pie on my arms
and legs as I write at my computer. Seeing Simba sitting in front of me lends an inner sense of security.

Yet, something's missing.  Ever since you left, the house has been silent and still in a way I never felt before.  Like a cave without light, sound, water or  bats.  Empty from top to bottom, side-to-side. 

The house feels vapid without you, Suzy. How do other people adjust to the loss of someone intrinsic to their life?  Someone who was more like an appendage than an accessory?  If these walls could talk, they would tell you how I float around like a ghost without a past.  How I look for my shadow and never see her.  How I anticipate your golden fur 'round every corner only to see dust balls and cobwebs that I've been too lethargic to clean.

Such is life.  Sweetie Pie's purrs help as does Simba's steady breathing.  But the energy of greetings, meetings, walks, talks, travel, tennis balls, frisbees, making new friends in the park and hanging out together for no reason at all are gone--with no replacements.  I trudge on.  The days grow shorter with the onset of autumn, yet my heart grows weary from carrying memories of our past.

Perhaps, in time, the two roads will converge, and my journey will be lighter, again.

When You Looked At Me

When Suzy locked eyes with mine, I felt
like everything was right with the world.
Our worlds. 


Together we were like rice and beans:  stronger because of the other. More.  Of everything that's good and pure. Light and lively. Sacred and Divine.

Sometimes you feel that with a partner or friend, a confidante or compadre.  It's rare, for sure, but sometimes luck graces your door, and you have that synchronicity with someone special.  It doesn't matter if its a four-legged or two-footed someone, either. 

What matters is the way you two interact, respond when your eyes meet, your hearts lock and your spirits soar.  What matters is the belief you share that the other is in your corner, will be there for you whenever, and will watch your back at all times.  Thus, it was with me and Suzy.  Her glance, her gaze, her presence, her ways.  In the morning, at noon, at dinner and in my bedroom.  We shared an understanding that went beyond words (or woofs!)  We just knew.

That love and loyalty were ours.  That the sun would come up and the moon would rise.  That the tides would come in and go out without surprise.  We felt our connection in a visceral way yet shared a bond that simply said, "everything's A-OK."

Suzy Saw Goodness in Everything

We are visitors on this planet. We are here for ninety, a hundred years at the very most. During that period we must try to do
something good, something useful with our lives.  Try to be at peace with yourself and help others share that peace.  If you contribute to other people's happiness, you will find the true goal, the meaning of life.   -- The Dalai Lama

And so it was with Suzy.  She not only saw the goodness in me but brought out the best in me.  Her sweetness was infectous and inspired me to treat others kinder, gentler & with more reverance.  She always greeted me with a smile and a "woof!"  She was steadfast in her loyalty, strong in her convictions, (especially where strangers or other dogs were concerned) and devoted beyond measure.  I have never felt such unequivocal trust and groundedness with any other living being the way I felt it with and from Suzy.

We depended on each other and knew, from the depths of our souls, that the other would be there for us, through thick and thin, in good times and bad.  There is no marriage vow, credo, religion or commandment that is stronger or more indelible than the heart-to-heart bond we shared and experienced, each and every day.  How my heart skipped every time our eyes met.

It's been three weeks since I said goodbye, and my heart breaks every time I look outside at her grave.  Every time I walk in the door, I expect to be greeted by her enthusiastic woofies and wagging tail.  Such energy, what a gift!  I knew it then, and I remember it, now, with deep appreciation and gratitude.  What a privilege and honor to have such a magnificent Being grace my life for 14 unforgettable years.  Perhaps the happiest of my life.  Thank you, my darling Suzy, I love you more than words can say!

My Lady, My Love

My lady, my love
Where will you be?
When I am lonely
And thinking of thee?

My lady, my love
How I miss your face.
How I long
For our sweet embrace.

My lady, my love.
You'll forever be near.
I shall always hold
Your radiant presence near.

My lady, my love
You showed me the way,
With kindness and light
In the most Divine way.

My lady, my love
You'll never be far,
For my thoughts always
Drift to wherever you are.

My lady, my love
My precious, my sun.
My North star, my guiding light.,
With you, everything was always just RIGHT!

What We Are

"Love," wrote Jean Vanier, "doesn't mean doing extraordinary or heoric things. It means knowing how to do ordinary things with tenderness."

In a book I just finished reading, and highly recommend, How, Then, Shall we Live? by Wayne Muller, he says, "Many of the gifts we offer to others are small, ordinary things:  a kind word, a simple meal, a comforting visit, a gentle touch.  We give from what we have.  If we have apples, then apples are our gift.  If we have good humor, then laughter is our gift.  If we can cook, then food is our gift.If we can make music or hold a hand or listen or build or love well, these are our gifts.  The currency of our kindness flows from what we are, what we love." (P.239)

And so it is with my feelings for Suzy.  Every day she graces my life with kindness and affection, even in the afterlife.  For, I feel her loving shroud, visualize her beautiful face and touch her lush, soft fur.  I know that she is with me, even now.  I think about her all the time and dream about her when I'm asleep.

Sometimes I wonder if the ache in my heart will ever subside?  How can such a bond ever go away?  Would I even want it to?  How can the flame of love ever diminish and grow dim?  It can't.  It won't.

As time goes by, perhaps our memories wane.  Perhaps not.  When there are strong feelings of love and attachment, the heart clings to that nourishment. Forever.  And so it is with Suzy.  My heart won't let go, because she is the breath of life that infused it with such radiance all those years.  Such hope and charm, grace and gentility.  Such depth of soul and beauty of spirit.  Suzy.  All that and more.